My Love Affair With Food

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Like many of us after an over indulgent holiday season, I needed to clean out my system in a big way, so I decided to do a cleanse…today is day 20.  It’s an eating cleanse – lots of yummy foods allowed – NO sugar, alcohol, gluten, soy, dairy…all organic, no processed…very healthy and do-able.

A week or so into the cleanse I was feeling anxious because I was hungry, tired and angry (HANGRY), had a busy, productive week, a crazy day, AND it was Friday. I started thinking…obsessing really… about how I wanted to eat a big bowl of pasta and have a glass (or 5) of wine as a “reward” for the week I’d had…I “deserved it” and starting feeling as if I was depriving myself of something that I had truly earned.

Old Habits…

In the past, I would have driven myself right down Self Pity Lane or Deprivation Highway and would have eaten the pasta and drank the wine, (a lot of it) OR I would have been so angry and frustrated that I “couldn’t” do what I wanted and deserved, it would have ruined my mood for days.  This unhealthy, self-defeating thought pattern would have led me to a place that not only felt horrible to be in, but would prove difficult to come out of without doing some serious emotional damage to my precious soul.

Self-Examination…

I really felt like I was ready to reign in my eating this year after struggling with it for years.  Up and down, diets, cleanses, trainers – I did it all, but I would always “think my way” back into these old, familiar habits.

As I stood looking at myself in the mirror, hungry, angry and tired, I started asking myself a new set of questions… “Why do I think food and wine is what I deserve as a reward?”   The way I eat and drink, when I “reward” myself, isn’t rewarding, it’s damaging.  So what am I really doing? Am I self-sabotaging myself?  Am I burying my fears and anxiety in a bowl of pasta and a bottle of wine? Am I not allowing myself to truly celebrate, stand in my own light, and really REWARD myself for a job well done?

Revelation…

I thought about what a reward really meant, and over eating and drinking isn’t a reward, it’s a form of punishment, and the worst kind, self-induced. A reward should feel like FREEDOM – like a special gift that you really, truly enjoy and deserve.  For me, things like a new meditation, mani-pedi, massage, facial, spending time with friends or my dogs all feel like rewards and there is zero punishment, guilt or shame….like a special gift and no backlash.

Eating and drinking had become my go-to coping mechanism to manage stress, anger, fear, frustration and grief…I ate away any type of uncomfortable emotion I did not want to feel.  It was my dirty little secret that I shamed myself for and it felt awful.

Believing at my deepest level, that it is my divine right to live without shame, guilt, judgment and expectations was the A-HA moment for me.  Once I understood and started to own this concept, I found the strength to look at my life from a new perspective, get real and ask myself difficult questions about who I’ve been and who I want to be, all while holding deep compassion and love for myself.

Creating new, positive ways of thinking, helps us learn to love and care for ourselves in brand new ways.  Understanding that we possess all we need RIGHT NOW to change our lives, is both an amazing and terrifying gift.  Start with a small thought that might be holding you back or keeping you stuck in a repetitive cycle and begin to ask some simple questions –  “Why do I think this way? Is this the truth?  Does this feel right for me?”  You might just be surprised at the gifts that find their way into your life.  ‪

#BEYOUROWNBAE

#DOTHEWORKCHANGEYOURLIFE

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